Jessica

I haven't updated this thing in months. So yeah. I'm a senior. And I don't have to take finals. It's awesome and the semester is almost over and I can't wait to graduate. Today was 2 years & 10 months for Kyle and me. I just wish we were technically a couple. Something about the title just finalizes it I guess. But I know everything will work itself out if it hasn't done so already. He makes me the happiest girl even on my sad days =].

I was just looking through my old livejournal entries of how things were a year ago. All I ever thought about was how much I wanted summer to be here. I'm feeling the same way right now.

Maybe this isn't the right thing to be posting on livejournal, but hardly anyone reads this anyways. Kyle and I are on a break right now and I'm not gonna lie, even though it was all my idea I'm still missing him. It's been almost a week. I like someone else but nobody could ever compare to Kyle. Maybe I just needed a change of scenery. The thing is, I don't know when I'm going to be ready to go back. Every day I think about how I need to get back with Kyle but then I know it wouldn't be fair to the other person because he really likes me and I like him too. I don't know if I should keep things how they are now, have an actualy relationship with the other person, or get back with Kyle. I know I don't need to make a decision right now but it's really upsetting me. I sat here all by myself tonight while Kyle was out with his friends (and probably still is) and even though that's exactly what I want him to do, I'm really jealous that I'm not with them.

I guess that was my reason for this entry. That's not even close to being half of the story. Sometimes I feel so happy and sometimes I feel so sad. One thing I know for sure is that I hate hate hate hate hate school.

Tough times don't last; tough people do.

For awhile I was going through this really sad phase where I just couldn't seem to be in a good mood. I would snap out at people and wasn't motived to go to school at all. However, ever since yesterday I've had this sudden burst of happiness. I feel better about myself and I was actually looking forward to school today. I'm actually sortof sad it is the weekend tomorrow. Maybe it's crazy but I have something to look forward to now. Tomorrow I'm going to the court house to play my pretty saxaphone and then leaving right after school for Rock Falls because we have 3 games on Saturday. Staying in a hotel will be an experience but who knows, it might end up being a good one. Nothing can bring me down. =]

Never feared consequences
Hate regrets more than apologies

Spring break was not as I had hoped it would be, but exactly how I thought it would. I worked and played softball. I went to Kyle's house every night to watch tv and/or play Guitar Hero. However, even though my life is sortof dull right now, I am almost perfectly happy. Other then trying to avoid my mom and waking up super early in the morning, I am a-ok. I've had a lot of time to myself over break, and I really don't like it. I get pretty lonely. But! I did finish two books over break. And I found the most beautiful, perfect prom dress (just not in my size). It's supposed to be coming in very very soon and I'm pretty anxious.

Other than incredibly boring things, I also dyed Easter eggs with Kyle yesterday which was a lot of fun. Today I went with his family to his grandparents' house. It was nice and quiet. I really like his small family. I really like Kyle.

It is approximately 11:15 PM and I just finished French homework that I've been putting off all week. (psst---- I still have a day off of school tomorrow and I STILL did French homework late at night.)

TOMORROW:
-French group project at my house at 8 IN THE MORNING
-my dad is going to get Krispy Kremes for us though
-11:15 be at school for my game
-1:30 game at Pekin
-yes, it WILL be very very very cold
-no, I'm not looking forward to it
-hang out with Abbey and maybe Eric


ehhhhh???

There is no softball practice tomorrow!!! I will have an entire day to spend for myself (after school of course).

-school
-bank
-work to get some vitamins and biofreeze
-go see Scott Balcain or whatev his name is for this rep. thing
-maybe hopefully hang out with Alicia????
-READ
-RELAX
-SLEEP
!!!!!


Things are wonderful. So is the weather.

So tonight was Vice Versa. The plan was for me, Kyle, Abbey, and Eric to all go together. Abbey came over and my cousin curled our hair for us. We took tons of pictures. I was looking forward to this night for a very long time because I thought I looked pretty nice. The four of us went to One World and then to the dance. Kyle and I got our pictures taken right away and then left less than 5 minutes later because he felt sick. I suppose things like these happen. I was very very disapointed and bummed out the whole night. We worked it out and put on some music in my room to dance to. I suppose everything turned out okay. Things will need to change. I feel like I'm missing out on high school.

I love softball.
I love my boyfriend.
I love Abbey.
I love my life.
♥

This is so fucking bogus!!!!! I'm going on a college visit March 5th, and my mom says that my little fucking sister has to come!! There's no school that day. She could go to a friend's house or my grandma's. She could stay home, she's 14 years old. But no. She has to go with us. Most people may say "get the hell over it, who cares? She's just your sister." No. Anyone who has met my sister knows how fucking obnoxious, MEAN, attention-loving, and just plain STUPID that she is. I hate my sister. I really do. If going on college visits means having my little stupid sister tagging along, then fuck college.

Finally! A livejournal post with some sort of content to it. Well these snow days turned out to be the best thing in the world for me. I feel totally rejuvinated and carefree, at least for today. I have nothing to worry about. I had all of my homework done before I knew there would even be snow days, so I had the whole time to relax. I finished reading a book in the series I'm going through right now. It's the Stephanie Plum series by Janet Evanovich. Stephanie is a bounty hunter who used to be a lingerie buyer. They're HYSTERICAL for anyone who wants to share my love with me.

So in the past couple days I've had so much more time to myself to think and breathe. I'm totally happy with myself right now and my life. Sunday night Abbey came over at like midnight and we watched Donnie Darko and this Saturday I'm going out to dinner with Kim after the basketball game. I've even been playing Warcraft with Brian sometimes. I love my boyfriend but I love having my friends too.

OH and I've decided to give up soda! I thought of this today at lunch, when I drank water instead of Pibb Xtra. Then, at Kyle's tonight I decided maybe I'll just drink strawberry soda, but other then that, just water. I will definately hold myself to this. Soda is horrible.

Valentine's Day was great. So was the 2 year anniversary. I only wish there were more hours in the day. Kyle got me one of those singing cards from Hallmark and it sings "Wild Thing". And he got me some strawberry soda. Maybe one of these days I'll put up some pictures of our beautiful faces.

For anyone who watches "The Office", tonight's episode was hilarious.

FRIDAY:
-school
-work
-pizza
-basketball game
-chocolate pudding & Warcraft at Kyle's

SATURDAY:
-pitching at 8 in the freaking morning
-work
-hang out with K-Tip
-basketball game
-food with Kim

I've finally come to terms with myself about school. It's okay to not be perfect.

Download this song!!! "Every Thug Need A Lady" by Alkaline Trio. It is so beautiful.

Happy birthday to Abraham Lincoln!
And happy 2 YEAR ANNIVERSARY to Kyle and Jessica!!!
♥

I thought about making a meaningful livejournal entry until I realized that I have absolutely nothing to say.
Maybe one of these days.

I cannot wait until spring.
This weather is waay too cold for me.
Plus, I'm done with school.
It's never been so stressful.
I have this sudden urge to go shopping for spring clothes.
For now I better go to sleep.

So after a small interior conflict I've been having with myself, I've finally made my decision. I think next year I'll take AP English. Yeah, it will be hard, but I think I can do well. This is not a big deal, just something I've sortof been contemplating the past couple months. Maybe one of these days I'll make a livejournal post about how awesome my life is and how crappy school is.

This stress will get the best of me.

For once I was glad to go back to school and get away from working 8 hours a day. It wasn't bad at all, and it was just for a week, but yesterday turned that all around. Thank you, school, for resuming the day following the worst work day of my life. I promise you that I will do better this semester.

Today in physics, Chelsea Hahn and I were talking about some certain people in our class that we don't really like. I started talking about a particular individual and saying how he really frustrastes me because he tries so hard to fit in. Like "aw man! I got so totally high!" when he totally didn't. Crap like that really annoys me for some reason. Chelsea said she just felt really bad for people like that, and that it's really sad when people can't just be themselves. I've never really thought about it that way before. It kindof makes me sad because maybe I've been living my whole life being a hater. I get angry when people aren't themselves, but I've never really thought about feeling bad for them. Then again, I'm also very happy with my life because of the decisions that I make and the way that I am. Lately I've put a lot of thought into who I want to be and how I want people to view me as. My personality has changed dramatically over the past couple of years. I used to love telling people they were wrong and getting in stupid little arguments just to get my point across. If I thought someone was being a tard, I'd let them know. Now, I sortof try to avoid confrontation all together. Sometimes it's hard to not let people know how you feel about them, but I've found that I have way more patience with people and I try to accept other people more that aren't completely like me. Being a Negative Nancy is not fun, and it is most definitely not cool.

About 5 minutes ago it hit me that this whole snow day, 5 day weekend thing is the break that I've been praying for. Yeah, there was Thanksgiving break, but as soon as I got back to school I got burried in school work and tons of stress. I'm sure my boyfriend would tell you any day how upset and short-tempered I was. (For lack of a better word, I suppose you could say I was just a complete bitch.) After a week I was so sad and I came home everyday with major headaches. Working until 6 every night can be tough when you're like me and you can't keep your eyes open another second due to massive pains in your forehead. I pretty much went to bed at 7:30 or so for quite a few nights in a row.

Anyways, there's a snow day again tomorrow and I think I'm going to make the best of it. All day Friday and part of Saturday I was super bummed because I couldn't leave the house. Typical teenager, I can't leave the house so of course my entire world stops. Yeah, I guess I ruined those days for myself. Although I did get to see Kyle on Saturday, and that made things much better. Sunday I got into a huge fight with my mom and I was grounded. That really sucked because not only was I lonely, I had that sick feeling in my stomache that you get when you know you've messed up and you almost believe yourself that you can rewind time and change some little thing that you did. Today was pretty great. I went to Kyle's, then work (got hammered at work, that sucked), ate some tasty left-overs with my dad, and then journied out to my lover's house again through the snow so I could play WoW while he did some homework. Now I'm sitting here in my somewhat messy room asking myself why I didn't clean it 4 days ago.

IN CONCLUSION, I am going to do some things productive tomorrow!
-SLEEP IN
-put away my gigantic pile of clean clothes
-read the last chapter of The Great Gatsby
-finish up my memorization for english
-maybe take my sister to lunch???
-MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE vacuum and dust my room
-give Kyle many hugs and kisses when I see his beautiful face tomorrow night

as for now.....
-brush my teeth
-wash my face
-heat up a cornbag for my feet
-get some much needed sleep

Things are good. I WILL get through school and finals. Finals are not going to kill me and not getting straight A's in school is not the end of the world. I will accept the fact that I am basically a straight B student and probably will be for the rest of my life in anything that I do. This is more of a mental notation/reminder than an LJ post.

Well it's almost 10:00 AM now and my street is still not plowed. My piano recital is cancelled for tomorrow and I didn't have to go to work today because I still can't get out of my street. Hopefully I will get to see Kyle today but until then I guess I'll just sit around here and maybe read the rest of The Great Gatsby. Kyle and I are supposed to go to Abbey's birthday party at 2 and it'd be really really great if I could still go. AND we have no food left in this house. When I grow up I'm going to live where it never snows.

Even if I am stuck inside all day today, I will make the best of it. I just wish I had more of my school stuff to work on. oooh I do not like the snow at all.